I've changed. Not that many of you can see that but I have.(A lot of you would beg to differ there but those are the ones that know me so well). Like when did I start hating christmas? I used to love it. I used to enjoy putting up the christmas tree and giving gifts and cookies and candy and oh the jolly ho ho ho. But now? I can't even bring myself to capitalize the damn word.
But the biggest thing I've noticed changing in me is the lack of empathy. Lack is kind of the wrong word here. I have zero empathy. I absolutely cannot understand why people feel the way they do unless I have gone through it myself. And even then, when they have gone through it themselves, if they did not react to it the same way I did, I cannot see why. I fail daily to understand why my brother can't stand to go out in public. Or why people go back to abusive relationships. And it could be explained to me a million times but if it's not the way I'd do it, I can't grasp it.
I used to cry when someone else would cry. Because I'd feel their pain. But now it seems like I couldn't give two shakes. I try. I'll be a shoulder to cry on. But feel what you feel? Yeah can't do that. Sorry.
Maybe being broken the way I was did it. Because I remember that. But why the hell is this the part of me that broke? Why couldn't a part of me like my raging jealousy? Or something awful. No it had to be the part of me that makes me look like a dick when I just turn my head like a puppy when someone is hurting. I'd almost rather have my ability to feel at all break rather than this. Because at least then I wouldn't lure people in with a nice guy persona and *bam* "oh shit this guy can't understand what I'm going through. He's kind of a dick..."
I assure you I'm a nice guy. I'm horrible with my own feelings too so I guess that might be a place to start. Anger seems to be a more common reaction to EVERYTHING. That can't be right. "You won a free drink" Grrr "You get a dollar off on your next purchase!" Grawr "You get a raise" GOD DAMMIT! Why am I reacting this way? This cannot be normal. Something switched in there. My circuit board is toast.
I'm wondering if this is what I need to fix first. Or if I need to fix anything. No, I know I do. Because being this depressed all the time is not a good thing. Not a good thing at all.
